The President's Dilemma
by Crackers and Cheese
Summary: Jon Stewart, in a reality where he is the president, faces a difficult decision that affects our country, our freedom, or more specifically, Stephen Colbert. Includes an All-Star Cast: Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Craig Ferguson and Conan O'Brien.
1. Day One: The Kitchen Mishap

_Washington D.C., _  
_The White House, _  
_April 9, 2014_

_The Oval Office- Late Afternoon_

Jon Stewart looks upon the stacks of paper that litter his desk in dismay. "I can't believe I have to read all of these bills within a hour!" Jon exclaimed, running a hand through his graying hair. "Why did I become president?" he groaned.

He was just beginning to read a bill when he was interrupted by a knock on his door. "What?" he groaned.

"Mr. President! Open the door! It's an emergency!" a voice said from beyond the door. Jon got up quickly and opens the door, revealing a disheveled Jimmy Fallon.

"Seriously Jimmy, call me Jon," Jon said.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll do that next time," Jimmy said distractedly. "You have to come to the kitchen! The vice president is harassing the cooks again! I tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't listen!"

"It's okay, Jimmy, there's no need to worry. This happens all the time," Jon said reassuringly.

Jimmy sighed. "I know, but I should have stopped it." He looks down dejectedly. "I'm terrible at my job."

"No you're not!" said Jon, "You are a great personal assistant."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Jimmy said, but he didn't seem convinced. "The vice president is in the kitchen, by the way."

"Right. Thanks," Jon patted Jimmy on the back, then ran out the door. "See you later!" he threw over his shoulder.

Jimmy, used to this, looked over Jon's schedule and checked his watch. "It seems like this incident will affect Jon's meeting at four. I guess I'll have to tell Craig Ferguson to reschedule. Again."

***888***888***

_The White House Kitchen- Late Afternoon_

The kitchen was filled with shiny appliances, cabinets, and counters- all wiped down to perfection. In the midst of it all were the cooks, dressed in plain white and cowering in fear from Stephen Colbert, whose freshly pressed striped suit was covered in flecks of flour.

"It's two cups of sugar, get it right!" Stephen yelled at a cook, whose eyes were wide with fear and whose hands were shaking as he held a cup full of sugar.

Stephen grabbed a bowl another cook was hesitantly stirring and threw the bowl on the floor. It shattered and most of the cooks stepped back from Stephen, whose hands were balled up in fists. "Why can't you guys ever get it right?" Stephen half pleaded, half growled at them.

Before Stephen could go any farther, clanging was heard and the door flew open. Jon peeked in and glanced at the shattered remains of the once fine bowl and shouted, "What the hell Stephen? I know you used to harass people in the Senate, but you're the vice president now!"

"I know, but they have to bake it perfectly, it's my world famous pumpkin pie we're talking about!" Stephen said defensively.

"Why are you baking a pie?" Jon said, confused.

All of a sudden angry Stephen was gone and he was back to his whiny self again. "Because I'm booored!"

Jon sighed. "You've been bored since we got elected!"

"No one pays attention to me!" Stephen exclaimed angrily, and the cooks took a step back. Jon, however, kept put. "At least on the campaign trail I had my Nation nipping at my heels,but as soon you went into office, you've been ignoring me! You always have bills to sign and people to meet and you have no time for me! I have to harass people, Jon! It's the only thing I can do around here!"

There was an awkward pause as Jon analysed the situation. He wanted to spend time with Stephen, but with all the bill signings and meetings they really have no time to be alone. So Jon offered the next best thing.

"Why don't you hang around with the other staff members?"

"What? No!" Stephen said, shocked. "Jimmy's girly, Conan hates me and the other Jimmy's busy all the time."

"Oh," Jon said sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Stephen. I wish I knew how to make it up to you."

"Hug me," Stephen said simply.

Jon stared at him. "What?"

"Just hug me," Stephen said, holding out his arms.

"...okay," Jon said hesitantly. He stepped forward and was about to hug Stephen when he was interrupted by a beeping sound. He looked down at his watch and frowned.

"Oh man, I have a meeting in five minutes!" Jon said.

"Reschedule," Stephen begged.

Jon shook his head. "Can't. I told Craig I won't." He sighed and walked to the door. "Sorry Stephen, but I have to go."

"I know," Stephen responded quietly, but Jon was already gone. Stephen stared longingly at where Jon was a minute ago. "Why doesn't Jon notice me?"

The cooks looked at the man who they were once- and still- afraid of in sympathy. Once he noticed these looks Stephen glared back at them. "Stop looking at me like that and get cooking! With two cups of sugar this time!"

The cooks nodded and scurried away.

***888***888***

_Hallway- Late Afternoon_

Jon was about to pass Jimmy Fallon on the way to his office but stopped him. "Jimmy, did you reschedule Craig's appointment?"

Jimmy shakes his head. "I tried, but he refused. He told me that he would wait a millenium for you instead of going back on your waiting list." He smirked. "He must be really pissed at you."

Jon runs a hand through his hair. "I know," he groaned.

"Craig is probably not that angry at you," Jimmy reassured him. "He'll just yell his head off at you and might kill you in your sleep," he added jokingly and giggled.

Jon rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that makes me feel loads better."

"Sorry," Jimmy apologetically. "He'll be less angry if you get to your office faster," he advised.

"Yeah, he would," Jon agreed. "I should really go."

Before Jon could leave, Jimmy grabbed his shoulder. "How's Stephen?"

"Really bored," said Jon. "He feels like I don't pay attention to him."

Jimmy, fully informed of Jon's dilemma, said, "I know you won't be able to spend some time with him, so maybe I could instead?"

Jon smiled but shook his head. "Not a chance. He thinks you're too silly. Anyway, bye!" He ran down the hall and disappeared into the Oval Office.

Jimmy stood where he was, still in shock. "Stephen thinks I'm girly?"

***888***888***

_The Oval Office- 4:05_

Craig Ferguson leaned against his chair, his feet splayed across Jon's desk. He began to hum a soft tune and stared at the empty seat across from him. "Jon's late again, I see," he said in a Scottish accent.

Suddenly the door opens and Jon hurries into the room, locking the door quickly and leaning against it heavily.

"Hi," Craig said simply, glad that Jon was finally here.

"Wait a minute will you?" Jon asked, short of breath. Craig nodded and Jon spent a minute catching his breath. "I'm fine now," Jon said finally.

"Good. So, what made you late again this time? Stephen again, isn't it?" Craig asked knowingly.

Jon nodded as he slipped into his chair. "This time he was harassing the cooks."

Craig rolled his eyes. "Not again. By now the cooks must be scared to death of him." He added offhandedly, "You should fire him."

Jon was so shocked he almost fell off his seat. "What?"

"Stephen," Craig elaborated, "Is a pain in the ass. Jon, he pisses off everyone in the room by just opening his mouth. How can that guy be the vice president?"

Jon raised an eyebrow, still shocked. "It seems like you really don't want Stephen in office," he said suspiciously.

"I don't hate him personally, but I've seen the polls!" Craig protested. "Half of America doesn't know why you know each other, much less like each other. The two of you even don't agree on most of the issues!"

"I know, I know," Jon sighed. "We met in the Senate and we were friends ever since. It seemed obvious to choose him as my running mate back in 2008 but now I'm not so sure."

"I know what you mean," Craig said. He stared up at the ceiling. "Geoff said hello, by the way."

"The robot's still running?" Jon asked, surprised. He giggled. "You're that lonely?"

Craig rolled his eyes. "I know, I know, it's sad." He rummaged through his pockets and pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. "Want one?" he asked.

Jon shook his head. "I quit a long time ago."

"Really?" Craig asked. "Suit yourself." He lights his cigarette. "So, what do you think of Colbert? Stay or go?"

Jon sighed. "I really don't know. I'll have to think about it."

"Good luck with that Jon," Craig said. "I really don't want to be the one to tell him the bad news. You know he has a gun, right?"

"I know. He reminded me of it on several occasions," Jon said. Jon didn't want to fire Stephen, but for the safety of his staff, his career, and the country he might have to. But Stephen was his best friend. He couldn't betray him like this, it would hurt Stephen's feelings and he'll probably express his anger...physically. Jon frowned. "Sometimes I wish I became a comedian instead of a politician."

"I told you not to run for president but nooo! You had to go out there and 'change the world'! And look what happened!"

"I know," Jon said. "But being the president isn't easy."

"So is being a comedian," Craig said. "But you don't see me complaining." He looked at Jon, who has put his head in his hands and said, "I'm sorry, but the decision is yours."

Jon sighed. "When can the four years be over?"


	2. Truthiness in the White House

**The President's Dilemma Pt. 2 or 'Truthiness in the White House'**

_The Oval Office- Evening_

Jon and Jimmy Fallon are seated on opposite couches, both eating a slice of Stephen's pumpkin pie. "Stephen can really bake a great pie!" Jimmy exclaimed, as crumbs gathered around his mouth as he dug into his slice of pie.

Jon thought about whether or not to tell Jimmy that Stephen didn't actually bake the pie but decided against it. They had more serious matters to attend to.

"Jimmy," Jon began, shifting in his seat. "Can I ask you a question?"

Jimmy glanced at Jon's worried expression and hoped that the question wasn't too difficult. "Yeah?"

"What do you think of Stephen?"

Jimmy released a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Great, a question he could answer. Well, not exactly.

"I can't honestly answer that until August," Jimmy said.

"What?" Jon asked.

"Stephen and I are having a feud on who has the best ice cream recipe. We are currently Best Enemies Forever for Six Months. So officially I hate him," Jimmy explained.

Jon was slightly reeling from the news. There was a feud in the White House and he didn't know about it? What else didn't he know about? "Why don't I know about this?" he asked.

Jimmy shrugged. "Because it's stupid. Stephen started it anyway."

Jon knew this was getting nowhere. He needed to know Jimmy opinion of Stephen now.

Jon sighed and said, "Honestly, what do you think of Stephen?"

Before Jimmy could answer the door flew open and Conan O'Brien ran into the room.

"Jon, I need you to review these bills for tomorrow..." Conan paused and looked over the plates of half eaten pie and Jon's slightly frustrated expression. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No, no, in fact, I have to ask you a question. Please, sit down," Jon said.

Conan sat beside Jimmy on the couch, and stole some of Jimmy's pie. "Hey!" Jimmy yelled.

"As the Chief of Staff, what do you think of Stephen?" Jon asked.

"Colbert?" Conan asked. "I think he is an arrogant wimp. And a bit crazy. A bit like Glenn Beck."

"I always thought that he was like Bill O'Reilly," Jimmy said.

"Guys," Jon said, beginning to get annoyed, "Stop comparing Stephen to former presidents and answer the damn question: Do you like Stephen Colbert?"

Conan and Jimmy glanced at each other and said at the same time, "No."

"But he's kind of funny when he's mad," Jimmy added.

"And he makes a great pumpkin pie," Conan said.

Jimmy turned and grinned at him. "I know, right?"

"Well, thanks for that extremely helpful conversation," Jon said sarcastically.

"Sorry Jon," Conan said apologetically. "Stephen is probably a decent person inside, despite the fact that he is arrogant..."

"And thinks liberals are communists...," Jimmy added.

"And is generally an unpleasant person...," Conan said.

"And practically everyone hates him...," Jimmy said.

"And he shouts in your face when you say the slightest thing anti-conservative...," Conan said.

"Alright, I get it!" Jon said in between giggles, "Stephen's a really messed up person!"

"But he's your messed up person. you guys are great together," Jimmy said.

"Yeah, he is...," Jon said thoughtfully. Despite their different views, Stephen and Jon have stuck together through thick and thin. And by the looks of it, Jon is the only person Stephen hasn't pissed off recently. Jon wondered what would happened if he unleashed an angry Stephen upon the nation after he fired him. It wouldn't end well for anyone. Maybe he should consider keeping Stephen here, to minimize the damage control he'll have to do later.

***888***888***

_Washington D.C.,_

_The White House,_

_April 10, 2014_

_Hallway- Late Morning_

Jon and Stephen walked quickly down the hall, away from the oval office. Most of the hallway was littered with portraits of Stephen, because Stephen insisted that it made him "feel at home." Jon would have protested but he had a cold that day and didn't feel up to it. Beside them was Jimmy Fallon, who was telling them their schedules for the day.

"Jon, you have a meeting with the Chief of Staff at noon, you also have to go to a charity event at two- by the way, have you rewrote your speech yet? I saw the rough draft and it really needs work...," Jimmy said.

Jon groaned. It looks like today will be a busy day. As usual. Jimmy turned to Stephen.

"Oh and Stephen, you have a manicure at three."

"Yes! Finally," Stephen cheered as Jon rolled his eyes. Stephen showed Jon his fingers. "These nails have really gotten long have they?"

They all turn a corner and bumped into a very nervous looking Jimmy Kimmel.

"Jon! Thank goodness I found you!" he said.

"Hey Other Jimmy," greeted Stephen. "What's up?"

"Why am I called 'Other Jimmy'? Why isn't he called that?" Jimmy K. said, pointing at Jimmy F.

"Because I came first," Jimmy F. said.

Before Jimmy K. could respond, Jon said to him, "Jimmy, what are you worried about?"

"I have a press conference in thirty minutes and I have no idea of what to say!" Jimmy K. explained.

"Just go out there and answer the questions like a good press secretary," Jon advised.

"I know, but they're going to ask about that crisis in Iraq and I know that's an uncomfortable topic so what do I do?"

Jon thought for a moment. "Uh..."

"Just tell them the truthiness," Stephen blurted out.

"The what?" Jimmy K. asked.

"The truthiness. Tell them what you feel is going on, not what is actually happening," Stephen explained.

"But what if they call me out on it?" Jimmy K. said.

"They haven't caught me yet and I've been doing it for years," bragged Stephen. "The trick is to blend a few facts with it. They never suspect a thing."

Jimmy F. whispered to Jon, "Isn't that just lying?" and Jon nodded.

"Uh, thanks Stephen," Jimmy K. said finally. "I'll try it out. Can't be worse than telling the truth anyhow."

"How about if you get caught?" Jimmy F. asked.

"The worse that could happen is that I lose my credibility," Jimmy K. said. "Like I haven't lost that already. Well I have to go," he said before running down the hallway.

"Good luck!" Jimmy F. called out.

"Remember, Other Jimmy," Stephen yelled, "Use your gut, not your brain!"

"Do you think this is going to go well?" Jimmy F. asked Jon.

"Nope, not at all," Jon responded.

Stephen overheard this and said, "What? Don't you trust me?"

"Well, by what you just said, most of the time you're lying," Jon said.

"I don't lie, I speak from my gut!" Stephen protested.

"...That's the same thing," Jon said hesitantly.

"No it's not!" Stephen yelled, "My gut speaks the truth- iness."

Jon sighed as Jimmy giggled and Stephen looked at the both of them in confusion.

"What?"


	3. Celebration on the Lawn

_The Oval Office- Early Afternoon_

Jon sat behind his desk, which was considerably cleaner than yesterday. He was currently doing the crossword.

"Hmm... three down is a word meaning 'dutifully reverent'," he muttered. "Pious, maybe?"

Jon scribbled down the word on his paper. There was a brief knock on the door before it swung open.

"Jon! Jon!" Jimmy Kimmel yelled.

"Next time, can you wait to open the door after I've let you in?" Jon sighed.

"Sure I'll do that," Jimmy muttered distractedly . "Anyway, remember that press conference I had earlier today?"

Jon nodded and Jimmy continued.

"Well, I did what Stephen said and told them all this bullshit about how we are working our hardest, and we are getting somewhere close to eliminating the threat, and- and..."

Jimmy stopped to catch his breath and Jon leaned forward expectantly.

"And?" Jon asked impatiently.

"It worked!" Jimmy exclaimed. "They ate every word of it! I really need to thank Stephen later. He made my job ten times easier..."

Jon smiled, just a bit. Well, it seems that Stephen could be useful after all. Even though it was advice for the best way to lie, Stephen helped Jimmy in a way Jon never could. That had to count for something, didn't it?

Jon took a deep breath. Maybe because of this advice Jimmy would have a different opinion of Stephen than most of the country.

"What's the matter?" Jimmy asked after Jon was silent for a moment too long.

"Nothing. It's just...what do you think of Stephen?" Jon asked.

Jimmy thought for a moment and said, "He's...um, I know that everyone thinks that he is an arrogant bastard, but he means well. I get that he's a ultra conservative, but his beliefs haven't caused any harm, right?"

"But they could," Jon argued.

"But that's where you come in," Jimmy retorted. "You stop him when he goes too far."

Jon sighed. Jimmy had a good point but... "I can't control Stephen 24/7. He'll get out of reach eventually. Remember that fit he had on Meet the Press last Sunday?"

"So? That's what security is for. Anyway, I think you can handle Stephen just fine. You guys have been best friends for years without any major conflicts and besides, he's your vice president! I can't believe he'll be fine with not being the one in charge around here, especially when the president is a liberal."

Jon leaned back in his chair. Jimmy was right. Stephen hasn't been too uncontrollable lately, and when he was, Jon just had to appear and he would calm down. Which led Jon to believe that Stephen was just being angry to get Jon's attention. That would be easy to fix, and then maybe there would be some normalcy in the White House. Probably not.

Jon suddenly gave Jimmy a wide grin and gave him a hug. "Thank you Jimmy! I know what to do with Stephen!"

Jimmy, who didn't know about Stephen situation, said hesitantly, "Uh...you're welcome?"

Jon walked Jimmy to the door and pushed Jimmy out of the office. "Go! Tell Stephen to meet me here at nine!" Jon said excitedly.

"Why, what's happening?" Jimmy asked.

Jon smiles at Jimmy. "Good things. Good things are happening." Not Stephen being fired, that's for sure. That's the last thing we need.

Jon couldn't wait to tell Stephen the good news.

***888***888***

_The Oval Office- 9:04 P.M._

Jon tapped impatiently on his desk and glared at the clock across the room. Every few seconds he glanced at the door and, just to make sure the clock was correct, his watch. After a few minutes of this he sighed and yelled at no one in particular, "C'mon Stephen, get in here already!"

Jon jumped up as someone knocked the door. He quickly sits down and said, "Come on in," while grinning so wide his face ached.

Stephen came into the room, looking worriedly at Jon as he sat front of his desk. "Jon, Jimmy told me to come here. Is everything okay?"

"Everything's okay," Jon reassured him, still smiling, "Better than okay, in fact."

Stephen didn't seem convinced. "What did you need to talk with me about?"

"Something very important," Jon began. He took a deep a breath, and Stephen looked at him in concern.

"What is it?" he asked fearfully.

"In the light of your recent...interactions with the cooks," Jon said, "Craig made some remarks on how dysfunctional you are and..."

"No, no it can't be...," Stephen muttered in fear.

"He said that half of America doesn't even know why you're the vice president and it got me thinking, I don't even know why we're friends...," Jon continued.

"Jon, are you firing me?" Stephen blurted out.

Whoops, Stephen has gotten the wrong idea. "Stephen..."

"You are, aren't you? I knew it! I heard the rumors, but I didn't believe them..." Stephen stood up and ran his hands through his perfectly sculpted hair frantically, throwing his glasses askew as he panicked.

"You can't fired me Jon! I have a wife and kids, I can't make them homeless, not again!"

"Stephen...," Jon repeated.

"I can't go back to the Senate, they all hate me there! This is all I've got!" Stephen abruptly stopped speaking and went around the desk. He got on his knees, took Jon's hands and cried into Jon's pant leg.

"Stephen...," Jon said in shock, a bit frightened of Stephen's breakdown in front of him. He didn't know Stephen liked his job that much.

"Please Jon, don't fire me!" Stephen pleaded. "I'll do anything to change your mind, anything! I'll- I'll not harass people all the time or curse the gays or anything!"

"Stephen!" Jon shouted and Stephen dutifully shut up. It was probably time to tell Stephen the good news.

"Stephen, I'm not going to fire you. It just got me thinking, that's all. I realized that your benefits are more than your shortcomings and I decided not to fire you, alright?"

Stephen nodded and stood up shakily. As soon as he did, he grabbed Jon's hand and shook it enthusiastically. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I won't let you down Jon!" Stephen promised.

Jon smiled. "Thanks Stephen, but you should be thanking Jimmy Kimmel. He's the one who got me to change my mind."

"Really?" Stephen asked. When Jon nodded Stephen ran out the room. Jon could distantly hear a scream that probably belonged to Jimmy K. "Thank you for saving my job!" Stephen yelled.

"You're welcome?" Jimmy Kimmel said after a pause. Jon heard Stephen cheers grow more distant as Jimmy ran into the office. "Care to tell me why Stephen hugged me just now?" Jimmy asked Jon.

"I told him you saved his job," Jon smiled.

"Wait, his job was in jeopardy?" Jimmy K. "So the rumors were true?"

Jon nodded.

"Well if that rumor is true, then it's also true that half of America hates him," Jimmy said. "They won't be happy about his continued employment."

"I know," Jon said. "We'll deal with it as it comes. Meanwhile we'll watch Stephen celebrate."

"Apparently he's celebrating out on the White House lawn," Jimmy said while looking outside Jon's window.

"What?" Jon said and he turned to look also. Stephen was outside on the lawn, dancing just as the sprinklers turned on. It would have looked beautiful, if it wasn't insane.

"I can see tomorrow's headlines now," Jimmy said.

"Who cares?" Jon asked. "He does this all the time."

"So," Jimmy said. "Are you going to call security on him?"

"Nope," Jon said, standing up. "In fact, I'm joining him. You coming?"

"Sure," Jimmy said. "I'll bring Jimmy and Conan along too. We all need to release some stress around here."

"And the best way to do that is to make front page news," Jon said sarcastically and Jimmy laughed. "You know what, go ahead of me. I need to file some things."

"You sure you're not going to ditch us?" Jimmy said. "The four of us can't party alone, you know."

"Seriously, I'll be there," Jon promised. Jimmy ran out of the room, and a few minutes later, shouts could be heard as Conan and the Jimmys joined Stephen outside. Jon watched them for awhile, and then sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

"I hope I don't regret this whole thing," he muttered.

Jon then walked out the door, to join the impromptu party outside.

THE END


End file.
